My 5 Ring Circus

That's how I feel about motherhood right now, it's candy coated shit.  I am so beyond sick of all the mothers out there pretending like it's all roses and sunshine, like they have the best behaved kids ever, like motherhood is everything they ever wanted, everything they expected it to be, like their life is just perfect.  I'm calling bull shit because I can tell you that sometimes motherhood just sucks.  Sometimes I wonder why I had kids to begin with, why did I think I could do this, and two?  Really?  What made me think that I could handle two screaming, pooping children?  I feel like the worst mother in the entire world, I feel like my kids would be better off without me, I feel like Dex needs to just go find some other woman to raise our children because there is no doubt I'm going to screw them up because I'm a freaking mess.  I can't take care of/control myself, what made me think for even a second that I could raise two other human beings in an...

Yes, I am that old, oh Debbie Gibson, haha!  Anyway, so I was thinking, if I never look in the mirror, then I feel like me and I look like the image in my head, me 10 years ago.  Living where I live, so far away from my friends and family, it is so easy to believe I am the person in my head, the skinny girl that I still am in my dreams...then I walk past a mirror, I glance, but don't even connect with the person staring back at me.  The double chin, the wrinkles, the giant arms, the mama belly, who is that?  Surely it isn't me!  If I stay 1000 miles away, then it never has to be me, I can be the me in my head because there is nobody to say otherwise.  Pretty sure I will forever be in my 20's in Dex's head, so if nobody else ever sees me.  Reminds me of a song...

Despite how I have been feeling lately, I managed to muster enough energy to get my store up and running!  It has been a lot of hard work, still is, but I am having a blast so far!  Please, check it out and share it with your friends!   www.jadelisebaby.com

I went and got cocky, finally admitted that I was feeling great, had been for nearly 2 months, the weight was finally coming off and what happens?  I run into a brick wall!  I'm beyond frustrated, and I don't know where to turn.  I feel like there is something physically wrong with me, I do not think this is PPD any longer.  Yes, I do think I had PPD, but I think the PPD was muddling whatever is physically wrong.  I went to the doctor and the doctor brushed everything off as psychological, but I know it's not all in my head, it can't be, right?  Here are the symptoms: Hot flashes Crazy sweating (like the back of my knees sweat so bad that I leave wet spots on the couch) Extreme fatigue Very itchy scalp Weight gain (5 lbs in one week is not normal) Headaches Increased appetite, but nausea after eating Increased thirst Muscle pain Irritability Depression Brain fog I had felt terrible since Gia was born, I had not lost a single pound since 2 wee...

This is an old post that I found that apparently I never published, maybe there was a reason for that?  Whatever, here's my post from August 1 that didn't make it to press the first go around! Normally I would stay away from the topic of politics, but nobody is reading this blog anyway, so what the hell. Here's my question, what are we voting for?  Really, what?  We think we are voting for representatives, people who will stand up for the voters, those of us who don't have millions to run for the Senate, but really it is all a beautiful hoax.  The rich get richer, why?  Because the rich are paying for the campaigns and lining the pockets of government officials.  So what happens?  Congressmen vote in ways that benefit the rich in order to continue to line their own pockets.  So not only are the wealthy receiving tax breaks at the expense of the middle class, but Congress would also like to take away "entitlements".  What is considered a...

There's no place like home, there's no place like home, there's no place like home......... DAMMIT, I'm still here! On another note, the Duggars, they are either completely ignorant or selfish, I'm going with ignorant, what's your take?

Ok, I know, I suck because I dropped off the planet!  All I have to say is ZOLOFT WORKS!  Thanks to an increase in meds, I was able to get a handle on my PPD and actually get my life together and find a new normalcy, a new rhythm as a mom of two.  Other than the fact that I'm still in the Midwest, things are going well! I LOVE LOVE LOVE my sweet girls! :)  Gia is working on crawling right now and finding her words (she said Mama yesterday!) and Sage is working on her fear of the potty (2 out of 3 pees in the potty so far today!).  Funny thing is, now that I'm no longer psychotic, I am busy!  I'm actually cooking, and doing dishes, and doing the occasional load of laundry again, yay me! Another exciting update...I am no longer obese!!!  I've lost about 15 lbs in the last month and I don't know if it is just my hormones finally leveling out and my body getting back on track or if it is my gluten free/dairy free diet.  We finally figured ...

I feel like the triggers are flying these days and the only anchor I've got is my beautiful little baby.  By triggers I mean all the women posting about their size 2 bodies and complaining, the articles about weight discrimination in the workplace, and the people who still think it is ok to openly make fun of people who are overweight.  My thyroid test came back borderline, which gave me a temporary sense of relief...until I looked in the mirror.  Medical reason or not, I still disgust myself, I still feel guilty everytime I eat, and I still want to puke (literally) everytime I hear a skinny girl complain about her body.  What's worse is that I feel guilty for feeling like that, I know that is unfair, I was once that skinny girl complaining about my body and those feelings I had then are no different from the feelings I have now only I am actually fat now according to medical guidelines. When I recently made my trip to VA, I was assaulted the entire trip by th...

As women, I think we have a tendency to do it all, overwhelm ourselves, and get stressed out.  We don't take time for ourselves and we end up in the doctor's office complaining about headaches, hot flashes, dizziness, nausea, fatigue, etc. and we hear, "You are stressed, you need 'Me time'!"  We laugh because we all know that "me time" doesn't really exist once you become Mommy.  I also think we have a tendency to take our stress out on our husbands and blame them for not doing enough or doing too much or doing this and that...really anything and not so much because our husbands actually did or didn't do this or that, but more because we need a release, we need to blame someone for what we have actually done to ourselves.  Sure our husbands screw up from time to time, but who doesn't?  I know I'm certainly not perfect!  So today I just want to say I love my husband!  Dex is a wonderful husband and father and even though I am overwhelm...

It's been almost a week since my last blog post and that was certainly not for lack of trying!  It seems some weeks with a toddler and an infant don't leave much time to spare.  Each time I sit down to write, I get interrupted. Apparently today is no different because here I am an hour after beginning this blog post!  I am sitting here nursing Gia while Sage pulls all of her coloring books out of the drawer she is not supposed to be in.  Sage is very good at waiting until I'm tied up with Gia before getting into things. We are potty training and let me tell you, it is not fun when you have a head strong child like mine!  You always hear that you will go through a lot of underwear and your child will have a lot of accidents when you start potty training.  I was prepared for that.  What I wasn't prepared for was for my child to simply decide not to go at all after a day of almost flawless training!  Seriously she was sitting in the floor on her ...

We all know what it is and we all probably think "I'm not that parent", but are you?  I know I don't want to be that parent, but I think I am and I think Dex may be even more so than me.  In fact, when we were in VA we heard, "You guys need to have more children so that you can relax!"  More children to relax?  This seems counter intuitive, but may be true!  If we had four kids instead of two, then we wouldn't be able to be so over protective and over involved because our attention would be pulled in more directions.  It's all with good intentions, mainly we want Sage to be happy and safe, but I also think mommy guilt plays a huge role in the insane number of "helicopter" or just really over involved parents if you like that term better. I feel guilty when I am not paying attention to my kids, I feel guilty when I don't want to play with Sage, I feel guilty when she is being super whiney and instead of catering to her and making her f...

and by you I mean me!  I am always so worried about what other people think about me when I know the reality is they are not thinking about me at all, I am not that important!  I am constantly worried that other people are judging my size, that other people are thinking that I'm fat.  I hate going out in public to eat because I am certain that people are thinking, "That fat woman does not need to be eating!"  Of course all people need to eat, but I feel like, unless I am eating a salad or maybe some grilled veggies, that everyone around me is watching me and judging me, but I'm really not that important and I'm sure the people around me are thinking about what bills they need to pay or what they are going to wear on their date or any number of things that have absolutely nothing to do with me!  In fact, I'm pretty sure that if they are thinking something about me, then it is probably something along the lines of how freaking cute my kids are! So, if stran...

We are moving home, we really are and I couldn't be more excited and terrified!  On one hand, I cannot wait to move back home where the girls can be with their cousins and the beach, the mountains, and DC are just a day trip away!  On the other hand, I don't know what our financial situation will look like in a few months, will Dex find a decent job?  Will I have to work as well?  Will the girls have to go to daycare?  Will we find jobs at all?  Where will we live?  I'm scared to even get my hopes up, what if we can't find jobs and we have to stay in the Midwest after all?  We certainly cannot move back to Virginia without an income source, we have kids to take care of.  I guess all I can do is pray and work my butt off to find Dex and I both jobs!  Fingers crossed!!! In the meantime, I got a new antidepressant and it (he) is working wonders!  Meet Mac n Cheese (named by Sage) a.k.a. Mac!

So I have been having internet issues since Monday morning.  I was completely without internet for two and a half days and now I'm able to connect to someone else's unsecured network, but the signal is very weak, so I keep getting kicked off.  Hopefully this problem will be fixed soon so I can get back to blogging because I'm pretty sure I am going to burst without the outlet!  Ok, signing off before I get kicked off, please don't lose interest in my blog before we get this annoying problem fixed! :) Thanks!!

Breast is best, we all know that and I wholeheartedly 100% agree, but breastfeeding is also a huge sacrifice.  I have no doubt that every breastfeeding mama would agree with me here, there are times when I just wish I could remove my boobs and hand them over to Dex and let him do it!  Yes, that's a gross thought, sorry, but that's how I feel at night in the midst of a nurse-a-thon when I am exhausted, physically and mentally, and all I want to do is go to sleep, but Gia will not give it up and I look over at Dex and he is sleeping on the couch next to me.  I just want to scream!  Of course his question is, "Well, what do you want me to do?" and I guess he has a point, there really isn't anything he can do, but misery loves company, so just be tired and miserable with me for a little while every now and then.  When I am tired and frazzled and at my wits end, just keep your eyes open for me, that's all I ask. I know what you are thinking, I am selfish, and ...

I feel almost certain that something horrible is going to happen to my toddler and it will be my fault.  I am feeling like less than a stellar mom these days trying to juggle a needy nursling and mischievous toddler through the fog of PPD.  In fact, I feel right down incompetent, like someone else needs to come in and take my kids from me before I really mess up.  I write this as I realize that the baby monitor beside me is not turned on while I am downstairs with Sage and Gia is upstairs asleep.  You all heard the story of Sage tipping the dresser over, but you haven't heard what else she got into this past weekend.  On Sunday she tried to eat air freshener and Benadryl, why was my toddler in a situation where she could attempt to eat these things and me not know until after the fact?  The air freshener was in the top of her closet, so it must have fallen down to the bottom and she got it.  Luckily my child is very sensitive to taste and immediately...

I know you have heard it one million times, well, make this one million and one, Anchor Your Furniture!  If you haven't done it, then go do it now, like right now, stop reading, get up, and get it done, I will wait  ......................................................................................................................................... Ok, do we all have anchored furniture now?  Good!  Now to my post. We have all heard the horror stories, toddler climbs the dresser, dresser falls over and crushes toddler beneath it, parents are left grieving, exclaiming, "But the dresser was so heavy, I never thought she could knock it over, how did she knock it over?"  All the while they desperately wish they could go back in time and anchor that piece of furniture that they were certain was too big, too heavy, off limits, etc.  We sit here and think, "Oh, but my furniture REALLY is too big, my furniture REALLY is off limits, that can't happen to m...

Can I get sued for that?  Hmmm...not sure, but I guess I'll take a gamble.  Facebook was founded on a great premise, a way for people to meet, network, and keep in touch.  I resisted for a while, only caving in and joining Facebook after a lot of begging from friends and when I was about the have my first beautiful little girl and I knew I would have a lot (A LOT) of pictures and videos to share with friends and family.  Facebook was fun at first, I reconnected and caught up with several wonderful old friends and I was able to share pictures of my baby with everyone at once, no e-mails sending just three pictures at a time because the files were too big to send more.  I quickly became very much addicted to Facebook, visiting daily, if not multiple times a day.  Then, while pregnant with Gia, I was put on modified bedrest and became obsessed.  At this point I had moved 1200 miles away from my friends and family and I was stuck on the couch for most of m...

I think I have finally begun to admit that I am actually dealing with PPD, postpartum depression.  After having Sage, I had a lot of postpartum anxiety, but no real depression per say.  I remember one night Sage was screaming and screaming and screaming and all I wanted to do was shut her up, my anxiety was through the roof and I actually scared myself, in that moment I did not trust myself with my own baby, so I handed her over to Dex and he took her for a drive and I sat at home in the dark and cried my eyes out.  I shudder to think what may have happened if Dex had not been there at that moment, I was not of sound mind, but I was able to recognize it.  The next day I called my doctor and got put on a low dose of Zoloft and the difference was night and day, I started to feel like me again, and I was able to truly enjoy my precious baby girl. This time I knew what to expect postpartum and I started my Zoloft immediately.  Things were great, I was thoroughly e...

Working out everyday and only seeing the number on the scale go up...over it! Having hot flashes like a menopausal old lady...over it! Watching my baby scream and choke every time I try to nurse her...over it! Putting my toddler back in bed 10,000 times every night...over it! Listening to everyone's advice on how to raise my children...over it! Freaking about tornadoes every time a storm rolls through...over it! Watching my dog constantly gnaw at herself...over it! Living 1200 miles from my family...over it! The Midwest...SO OVER IT!

Before you read this please note that I am not judging the decisions of other parents, all children and all families are different, and we must make the best decisions that we can for our own families.  Nobody knows your child like you and nobody knows my child like me.  This is about me and my child and my personal experience and situation. I wish I could go back in time about a year and a half, right about the time that I decided cry it out was appropriate and ok for my family, right about the time that my daughter was left to scream in her crib to no avail, about the time I checked out under the veil of teaching her to self soothe.  At what point did I let those around me convince me to go against what my heart was telling me?  My baby that I had clung so close to, my baby that slept in my arms for three months straight, my baby that was nursed whenever she needed it, my baby that was never left with a babysitter, my baby, the love of my life was left in her cri...

...but is it really?  Is knowledge really power?  I am from the east coast, born and raised.  Until last summer, I had never lived anywhere but in Virginia.  Now I live in the Midwest, in Tornado Alley.  I have a phobia of tornadoes, a REALLY BIG phobia of tornadoes, so why oh why did I move to the Midwest?  I didn't know, I truly did not know what exactly Tornado Alley meant, I did not know that I would actually experience a tornado and not even one, but four in 72 hours!  I never expected to hear the sirens even once, instead I heard them six times in 72 hours.  You probably don't believe me.  Just last night I heard, "Well you did move to Tornado Alley."  Yes, I did, and wow do I feel dumb right about now!  And angry and scared.  Not only did I move to Tornado Alley, but I moved into a house without an underground basement, that tells you right there that I really did not understand what I was getting myself i...

I stepped on the scale this morning after another day of eating right and exercising and I swear I heard a chuckle as the scale revealed my weight, +.6 lbs!  Seriously?  SERIOUSLY?  Now I know I am 9 weeks postpartum, but I have not lost anything in the past 7 weeks!  WTF?  I dropped 24 lbs fast and then it just stopped so here I sit, obese.  No, I'm not exaggerating, I calculated my BMI yesterday and it said OBESE!  I'm pretty sure my computer was laughing at me as well.  I still have 15 lbs to lose to get to my pre-pregnancy weight, which was already overweight thanks to 15 lbs gained after a miscarriage in April 2010, so 30 lbs to get to my pre-pre-pregnancy weight.  What I can't figure out is how I gain 15 lbs the split second I find out I'm pregnant.  No joke, I miscarried at 5.5 weeks, so a week and a half after I found out I was pregnant and I gained 15 lbs.  When I got pregnant with Gia, I gained 15 lbs befo...

Now to finish my first post.  Forgive me if this lacks coherency, it is not quite 6am and the family has been up since 3am, both kiddos were having trouble sleeping. Here's the background, if you already know this part or simply don't care, then skip to the next paragraph!  All I ever wanted was to be a stay-at-home mom, however, I never thought that would happen, it was simply a fantasy.  So the hubs and I found out we were pregnant the day after our first anniversary.  At the time I was the bread winner in the house, Dex was going to school and working part time, so the plan was to put Sage in daycare and I would continue working.  I had accepted my fate as a working mom, we needed the money, Dex certainly wasn't making enough money working part-time and would almost certainly not make enough starting out with his associates in networking, so there was no chance of me quitting my job to stay home with the baby.  Then I got laid off at 9 months...

I feel I should finish my post from yesterday because it is missing something...a point! Ha! :)  However, I have something else I want to talk about today, so yesterday's post will have to wait. Mommy ADD.  I am 8 weeks postpartum, baby Gia (Georgia) was born on Saint Patty's day, and I don't think I have ever felt so scatter brained in my life.  Gia is my second child, and I remember "mommy brain" after having Sage, but this is new.  Mommy brain is the remnants of pregnancy brain, mommy brain makes women forget things easily, make silly mistakes, etc., but Mommy ADD is different.  I swear I cannot stay focused on anything for any period of time, my brain is all over the place and my train of thought is quite fascinating to me these days.  Maybe it's lack of sleep, or maybe it's the fact that I have a 2 year old and an 8 week old, so somebody always needs something taking my focus away from whatever task is interrupted. In the past I dated two guys wit...

So all I ever really wanted was to be a mom, well, that's not quite true, but close enough.  By mom, I mean stay-at-home mom, June Cleaver style, but alas, this is not 1950, women have won the right to be...men.  Yep, I said it, women's lib, thank you, you thrust the dagger deep into the heart of chilvary and the honor that came with simply being a mom.  Yes I went to college, yes I got a good education, yes I am capable of a successful career outside of the home.  I did have a career, a good one, I made good money, had a nice new car, bought my own home, had a dog (well, 3 actually), but all I wanted was to be a mom...to raise my own children.  Don't flame me for that, I know women who work outside of the home loathe that notion, but that is how I see it in regards to my life and my children and that is all I can speak to, I am not you, I do not judge, I simply know what is right for me in my heart and my mind.  I do not want someone else with my children ...