Parenting in the fog

I feel almost certain that something horrible is going to happen to my toddler and it will be my fault.  I am feeling like less than a stellar mom these days trying to juggle a needy nursling and mischievous toddler through the fog of PPD.  In fact, I feel right down incompetent, like someone else needs to come in and take my kids from me before I really mess up.  I write this as I realize that the baby monitor beside me is not turned on while I am downstairs with Sage and Gia is upstairs asleep. 

You all heard the story of Sage tipping the dresser over, but you haven't heard what else she got into this past weekend.  On Sunday she tried to eat air freshener and Benadryl, why was my toddler in a situation where she could attempt to eat these things and me not know until after the fact?  The air freshener was in the top of her closet, so it must have fallen down to the bottom and she got it.  Luckily my child is very sensitive to taste and immediately spit it out and came to us crying and wiping her tongue.  The Benadryl was my dog's, I put it in her food daily because we have been dealing with massive itching (that's another story).  The dog always eats the Benadryl, but this time she didn't and Sage came behind her and got it and put it in her mouth and bit it.  Again, Sage spit it out and got very upset by the taste in her mouth.

I am constantly on edge now, terrified Sage is going to truly hurt herself, feeling like I can't protect her 100% of the time like I used to be able to.  The worst times, though, are when I am nursing Gia.  How am I supposed to watch Sage every second when I have to take care of Gia as well?  How am I supposed to watch Sage every second when I feel like my head isn't quite attached to my body, when my mind is so foggy these days?  I forget to feed my dog, I forget to take the dog out to go potty, I forget to give Gia her Zantac, I forget to change Sage's diaper, I forget to take care of the basic needs of my family.  How did I go from being such a great, attentive mom to this?  I know we can find our way, but my fear is that it won't be in time, that something horrible is going to happen before I manage to get out of this black hole.  

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