My 5 Ring Circus

That's how I feel about motherhood right now, it's candy coated shit.  I am so beyond sick of all the mothers out there pretending like it's all roses and sunshine, like they have the best behaved kids ever, like motherhood is everything they ever wanted, everything they expected it to be, like their life is just perfect.  I'm calling bull shit because I can tell you that sometimes motherhood just sucks.  Sometimes I wonder why I had kids to begin with, why did I think I could do this, and two?  Really?  What made me think that I could handle two screaming, pooping children?  I feel like the worst mother in the entire world, I feel like my kids would be better off without me, I feel like Dex needs to just go find some other woman to raise our children because there is no doubt I'm going to screw them up because I'm a freaking mess.  I can't take care of/control myself, what made me think for even a second that I could raise two other human beings in an...

Yes, I am that old, oh Debbie Gibson, haha!  Anyway, so I was thinking, if I never look in the mirror, then I feel like me and I look like the image in my head, me 10 years ago.  Living where I live, so far away from my friends and family, it is so easy to believe I am the person in my head, the skinny girl that I still am in my dreams...then I walk past a mirror, I glance, but don't even connect with the person staring back at me.  The double chin, the wrinkles, the giant arms, the mama belly, who is that?  Surely it isn't me!  If I stay 1000 miles away, then it never has to be me, I can be the me in my head because there is nobody to say otherwise.  Pretty sure I will forever be in my 20's in Dex's head, so if nobody else ever sees me.  Reminds me of a song...