PPD

I think I have finally begun to admit that I am actually dealing with PPD, postpartum depression.  After having Sage, I had a lot of postpartum anxiety, but no real depression per say.  I remember one night Sage was screaming and screaming and screaming and all I wanted to do was shut her up, my anxiety was through the roof and I actually scared myself, in that moment I did not trust myself with my own baby, so I handed her over to Dex and he took her for a drive and I sat at home in the dark and cried my eyes out.  I shudder to think what may have happened if Dex had not been there at that moment, I was not of sound mind, but I was able to recognize it.  The next day I called my doctor and got put on a low dose of Zoloft and the difference was night and day, I started to feel like me again, and I was able to truly enjoy my precious baby girl.

This time I knew what to expect postpartum and I started my Zoloft immediately.  Things were great, I was thoroughly enjoying being a mommy of two little girls despite the fact that Sage had without a doubt entered her terrible two's!  As the weeks rolled by, I started feeling more and more overwhelmed each day.  Now I find myself crying on almost a daily basis, wanting nothing more than to retreat into my bed and sleep for weeks, maybe be woken up for the occasional smile from Sage and Gia.  I feel like a horrible mother, I feel so guilty because I don't want to play with Sage and she knows it.  Sage is already having jealousy issues with Gia and now Mommy doesn't want to do anything with her.  Sage is having difficulty sleeping at night and I can't help, but think it is my fault.  If I was a better mom, if I paid more attention, if I spent more time playing with her...

Sage is getting the brunt of this, my problems are becoming her problems and it makes me physically ill to admit that.  Gia is just a tiny baby, so I find myself getting irritated and raising my voice at Sage too much because she is whining, climbing on me, crying for my attention and I think "She should know better!  She is old enough to know better!"  She is only two, all she knows is Gia was born and she lost her mommy.  I am so stressed, I am so overwhelmed, I am so sad.  I have two beautiful little girls that I love so dearly and yet I sit here crying feeling so utterly alone.  How dare I not feel constant joy, how dare I take my beautiful children for granted, how dare I have anything but kind words and patience for them, how dare I burden them with my feelings of worthlessness.

I'm so tired of being isolated and alone, I'm tired of feeling chained by my children, I'm tired of being 1200 miles away from my friends and family, my support system.  I can't do this alone, I need my village.

Comments

  1. Happily MarriedSat Jun 18, 11:50:00 AM

    Oh Hun! I know exactly what you mean. I'm going through this exact situation right now as well. Please feel free to email me if you'd like. It helps to know that someone else is experiencing the same things and you're not alone. I'm here if you'd like to talk.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Day DreamerSat Jun 18, 02:05:00 PM

    Happily Married,
    Thank you so much! I hate to think that other mothers out there are also dealing with PPD, but it is definitely easier to deal with when we can get our feelings out and lean on each other! I hope we are both feeling better very soon! (((HUGS)))

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  3. AnonymousSun Jun 19, 09:51:00 PM

    I think a lot of it for me is because we're a LONG way from home and I'm flying solo with two kiddos 11 months apart that are under the age of 18 months! Either way hearing you say you were able to get a little relief from those feelings with just a small amount of medicine made me think that I may call my doc and see if we can try that to help out. Maybe an increase in dosage will help you. I know that sometimes the body becomes accustomed to the medicine and you have to change it up a bit. Best of luck to you. You'll have to let me know how it goes. (BTW, this is Happily Married...stupid blogger won't let me sign in!)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Day DreamerTue Jun 21, 08:20:00 AM

    We are also a long way from home and I miss my friends and family terribly, so I definitely get that! Two kids under the age of 18 months? I have no doubt you must be Super Woman in disguise! :) I think a call to your doctor is definitely worth it for you and probably for me as well! I know this blog is quite therapeutic too, it is nice to be able to get my feelings out without feeling judged and to have other women reach out in support! Thank you so much for your support!

    ReplyDelete

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