Candy Coated Shit

That's how I feel about motherhood right now, it's candy coated shit.  I am so beyond sick of all the mothers out there pretending like it's all roses and sunshine, like they have the best behaved kids ever, like motherhood is everything they ever wanted, everything they expected it to be, like their life is just perfect.  I'm calling bull shit because I can tell you that sometimes motherhood just sucks.  Sometimes I wonder why I had kids to begin with, why did I think I could do this, and two?  Really?  What made me think that I could handle two screaming, pooping children?  I feel like the worst mother in the entire world, I feel like my kids would be better off without me, I feel like Dex needs to just go find some other woman to raise our children because there is no doubt I'm going to screw them up because I'm a freaking mess.  I can't take care of/control myself, what made me think for even a second that I could raise two other human beings in any normal fashion?  I don't want to screw my kids up, I don't.

I am so lonely, and so tired, and so overwhelmed.  I feel trapped, I can't breathe, I feel like I'm sinking further and further into a blackhole and the light is getting dimmer.  I can't handle my children.  I scream, I stomp, I slam doors...they would be better off without me, I'm a horrible mother, my children deserve so much better than me.

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