Parental Regrets
Before you read this please note that I am not judging the decisions of other parents, all children and all families are different, and we must make the best decisions that we can for our own families. Nobody knows your child like you and nobody knows my child like me. This is about me and my child and my personal experience and situation.
I wish I could go back in time about a year and a half, right about the time that I decided cry it out was appropriate and ok for my family, right about the time that my daughter was left to scream in her crib to no avail, about the time I checked out under the veil of teaching her to self soothe. At what point did I let those around me convince me to go against what my heart was telling me? My baby that I had clung so close to, my baby that slept in my arms for three months straight, my baby that was nursed whenever she needed it, my baby that was never left with a babysitter, my baby, the love of my life was left in her crib to cry and why? If you asked someone else that question, you would get all kinds of answers that would lead you to believe that harmony within the house and a child that grows into an independent adult can not be obtained unless your child sleeps in their own room in their own bed by themselves all night long. I bought it, I believed that my child had to learn to self soothe, had to learn to put herself to sleep, had to learn to be independent in the dark. On that premise, she slept in her own room in her crib and just recently got moved to her toddler bed.
Well, I just don't buy that anymore and there is a whole lot of history, a whole lot of culture, and a whole lot of science that agrees. I always heard that if you let your child cry it out, then after a few days they would stop crying...not my child! With the toddler bed, I heard that if you just keep putting them back in bed, then after about 10 times, they will stay there and after a few days they won't get out of bed at all...HAHAHA, not my child! We have been dealing with screaming every single time Sage has been put to bed since she started sleeping on her own two years ago, this includes nap time and night time. In addition, we have dealt with bouts of screaming in the middle of the night for the past two years as well, it isn't every night, but it is frequent. I can assure you, every time Sage screamed, I left her to scream, I did not go back in the room, she did not get to get out of the bed, I stuck to my guns and left her to scream. Now you tell me, what did she learn? What did she gain? Where did it get us? It got us to last night, the final straw...
Each night Sage puts on PJs, brushes her teeth, reads a book, and watches Diego (her most recent obsession) for 10 minutes, then it's hugs and kisses and lights out at 8pm. She got out of bed a few times, we put her right back in Super Nanny style and eventually she gave and fell asleep. That is not the problem...all those people who keep telling me to watch Super Nanny, put her back in bed, blah, blah, blah...duh, got it, she goes to bed fine, check! Now to the part that most parents don't have to deal with. 10:00pm rolls around and Sage is up, I go in, give her glow worm, put her back to bed and out. Next time she gets out of bed crying, we put her back, she gets up, we put her back, she gets up....well, you get it. All the time she is getting more and more hysterical and begging us to stay with her, to just sit by her bed, anything, just be there for her. With my heart breaking and Sage's heart breaking, I stick to my guns because everyone says this is what we are supposed to do in order for my child to grow into a healthy adult. Well, my child cried all night long, she tried to go back to sleep, she did, she would lay down and fall asleep only to wake up a few minutes later in tears, she was scared, she needed her Mommy and Daddy and we said no. We said no...how could I do such to my baby, she is only two, I am her Mother! I couldn't stop thinking, this isn't right, this can't be healthy, this feels so completely unnatural, I am going against every instinct in my body, how could I reject my scared and crying child like this? The answer is clear, I can't. I do not believe for even a second that cry it out is healthy, right, or natural, I do not believe that cry it out leads to strong, independent, confident adults. I do not believe that cry it out is right for my family or my child.
Now, it is great if your child is ok sleeping by themselves, but not all children are the same, trust me, I have two and they are already so very different when it comes to sleep. I would love for Sage to sleep by herself all night long, but I have listened to her scream and cry in desperation for too long, I have ignored her needs for too long, I have gone against my mommy instinct for too long and, if I could go back in time, I would NEVER have left my baby in a bed to cry alone in the dark, I am ashamed. Why are we parents actually buying into this? Why are we allowing our babies who simply long for the comfort and closeness of Mommy to lay alone in a dark room and cry? How can this be justified? The fact is, it can no longer be justified in my house, I have lied to myself for too long, I have punished my baby, my toddler for simply needing the comfort of her parents for too long and it will not happen in my house again. I want my child to grow up knowing she is loved fully and feeling secure in her world and in her worthiness as a person. We were not programmed to be separated from our babies, our babies were meant to be with their mama at all times for protection. Babies were not meant to cry, think about it...how do you hide from a hungry lion with a screaming baby? If the baby is sleeping with Mama, nursing on demand, then that baby is not screaming. Think about other mammalian species, where do their young sleep? With Mama. It is not natural for a baby, for a toddler to sleep alone in the dark. Your child is not manipulating you, your child is expressing a need, the need to feel the safety and comfort of their parents while they sleep, in their most vulnerable state and as a society we have decided that it is ok to ignore this very basic human need, basic animal instinct...well, not in my house, not anymore and if I could, oh I wish I could go back in time and scoop up my crying baby and let her know that Mama is there, she was, is, and always will be safe, protected, and loved so long as I am here on this Earth and she will never have to feel alone and abandoned like that again if I can help it.
The sleeping arrangement in my house changed today. The ultimate goal is obviously for Sage to sleep in her room alone and I have no doubt she will when she is ready, but she needs help to get there, she needs love and understanding, she needs to feel safe and know that Mommy and Daddy are there and always will be there if she needs us. Right now Sage is sleeping alone in her bed, but she is now sleeping in a full size bed, a bed big enough for Mommy or Daddy to crawl in and comfort her in the event that she needs us.
There is no longer any doubt in my mind that I am doing what is best for my child, what will ultimately allow her to grow into an independent adult who is comfortable in this world and knows that she is worthy of unconditional love, support, and comfort. I cannot change the past, I can only do what is right for my child from here on out and hope that her baby sister continues to be the wonderful, independent sleeper that she has been since birth, but in the event that things change I can promise this, no baby of mine will ever be left in a dark room alone to scream again.
I wish I could go back in time about a year and a half, right about the time that I decided cry it out was appropriate and ok for my family, right about the time that my daughter was left to scream in her crib to no avail, about the time I checked out under the veil of teaching her to self soothe. At what point did I let those around me convince me to go against what my heart was telling me? My baby that I had clung so close to, my baby that slept in my arms for three months straight, my baby that was nursed whenever she needed it, my baby that was never left with a babysitter, my baby, the love of my life was left in her crib to cry and why? If you asked someone else that question, you would get all kinds of answers that would lead you to believe that harmony within the house and a child that grows into an independent adult can not be obtained unless your child sleeps in their own room in their own bed by themselves all night long. I bought it, I believed that my child had to learn to self soothe, had to learn to put herself to sleep, had to learn to be independent in the dark. On that premise, she slept in her own room in her crib and just recently got moved to her toddler bed.
Well, I just don't buy that anymore and there is a whole lot of history, a whole lot of culture, and a whole lot of science that agrees. I always heard that if you let your child cry it out, then after a few days they would stop crying...not my child! With the toddler bed, I heard that if you just keep putting them back in bed, then after about 10 times, they will stay there and after a few days they won't get out of bed at all...HAHAHA, not my child! We have been dealing with screaming every single time Sage has been put to bed since she started sleeping on her own two years ago, this includes nap time and night time. In addition, we have dealt with bouts of screaming in the middle of the night for the past two years as well, it isn't every night, but it is frequent. I can assure you, every time Sage screamed, I left her to scream, I did not go back in the room, she did not get to get out of the bed, I stuck to my guns and left her to scream. Now you tell me, what did she learn? What did she gain? Where did it get us? It got us to last night, the final straw...
Each night Sage puts on PJs, brushes her teeth, reads a book, and watches Diego (her most recent obsession) for 10 minutes, then it's hugs and kisses and lights out at 8pm. She got out of bed a few times, we put her right back in Super Nanny style and eventually she gave and fell asleep. That is not the problem...all those people who keep telling me to watch Super Nanny, put her back in bed, blah, blah, blah...duh, got it, she goes to bed fine, check! Now to the part that most parents don't have to deal with. 10:00pm rolls around and Sage is up, I go in, give her glow worm, put her back to bed and out. Next time she gets out of bed crying, we put her back, she gets up, we put her back, she gets up....well, you get it. All the time she is getting more and more hysterical and begging us to stay with her, to just sit by her bed, anything, just be there for her. With my heart breaking and Sage's heart breaking, I stick to my guns because everyone says this is what we are supposed to do in order for my child to grow into a healthy adult. Well, my child cried all night long, she tried to go back to sleep, she did, she would lay down and fall asleep only to wake up a few minutes later in tears, she was scared, she needed her Mommy and Daddy and we said no. We said no...how could I do such to my baby, she is only two, I am her Mother! I couldn't stop thinking, this isn't right, this can't be healthy, this feels so completely unnatural, I am going against every instinct in my body, how could I reject my scared and crying child like this? The answer is clear, I can't. I do not believe for even a second that cry it out is healthy, right, or natural, I do not believe that cry it out leads to strong, independent, confident adults. I do not believe that cry it out is right for my family or my child.
Now, it is great if your child is ok sleeping by themselves, but not all children are the same, trust me, I have two and they are already so very different when it comes to sleep. I would love for Sage to sleep by herself all night long, but I have listened to her scream and cry in desperation for too long, I have ignored her needs for too long, I have gone against my mommy instinct for too long and, if I could go back in time, I would NEVER have left my baby in a bed to cry alone in the dark, I am ashamed. Why are we parents actually buying into this? Why are we allowing our babies who simply long for the comfort and closeness of Mommy to lay alone in a dark room and cry? How can this be justified? The fact is, it can no longer be justified in my house, I have lied to myself for too long, I have punished my baby, my toddler for simply needing the comfort of her parents for too long and it will not happen in my house again. I want my child to grow up knowing she is loved fully and feeling secure in her world and in her worthiness as a person. We were not programmed to be separated from our babies, our babies were meant to be with their mama at all times for protection. Babies were not meant to cry, think about it...how do you hide from a hungry lion with a screaming baby? If the baby is sleeping with Mama, nursing on demand, then that baby is not screaming. Think about other mammalian species, where do their young sleep? With Mama. It is not natural for a baby, for a toddler to sleep alone in the dark. Your child is not manipulating you, your child is expressing a need, the need to feel the safety and comfort of their parents while they sleep, in their most vulnerable state and as a society we have decided that it is ok to ignore this very basic human need, basic animal instinct...well, not in my house, not anymore and if I could, oh I wish I could go back in time and scoop up my crying baby and let her know that Mama is there, she was, is, and always will be safe, protected, and loved so long as I am here on this Earth and she will never have to feel alone and abandoned like that again if I can help it.
The sleeping arrangement in my house changed today. The ultimate goal is obviously for Sage to sleep in her room alone and I have no doubt she will when she is ready, but she needs help to get there, she needs love and understanding, she needs to feel safe and know that Mommy and Daddy are there and always will be there if she needs us. Right now Sage is sleeping alone in her bed, but she is now sleeping in a full size bed, a bed big enough for Mommy or Daddy to crawl in and comfort her in the event that she needs us.
There is no longer any doubt in my mind that I am doing what is best for my child, what will ultimately allow her to grow into an independent adult who is comfortable in this world and knows that she is worthy of unconditional love, support, and comfort. I cannot change the past, I can only do what is right for my child from here on out and hope that her baby sister continues to be the wonderful, independent sleeper that she has been since birth, but in the event that things change I can promise this, no baby of mine will ever be left in a dark room alone to scream again.
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