My 5 Ring Circus

So I have been having internet issues since Monday morning.  I was completely without internet for two and a half days and now I'm able to connect to someone else's unsecured network, but the signal is very weak, so I keep getting kicked off.  Hopefully this problem will be fixed soon so I can get back to blogging because I'm pretty sure I am going to burst without the outlet!  Ok, signing off before I get kicked off, please don't lose interest in my blog before we get this annoying problem fixed! :) Thanks!!

Breast is best, we all know that and I wholeheartedly 100% agree, but breastfeeding is also a huge sacrifice.  I have no doubt that every breastfeeding mama would agree with me here, there are times when I just wish I could remove my boobs and hand them over to Dex and let him do it!  Yes, that's a gross thought, sorry, but that's how I feel at night in the midst of a nurse-a-thon when I am exhausted, physically and mentally, and all I want to do is go to sleep, but Gia will not give it up and I look over at Dex and he is sleeping on the couch next to me.  I just want to scream!  Of course his question is, "Well, what do you want me to do?" and I guess he has a point, there really isn't anything he can do, but misery loves company, so just be tired and miserable with me for a little while every now and then.  When I am tired and frazzled and at my wits end, just keep your eyes open for me, that's all I ask. I know what you are thinking, I am selfish, and ...

I feel almost certain that something horrible is going to happen to my toddler and it will be my fault.  I am feeling like less than a stellar mom these days trying to juggle a needy nursling and mischievous toddler through the fog of PPD.  In fact, I feel right down incompetent, like someone else needs to come in and take my kids from me before I really mess up.  I write this as I realize that the baby monitor beside me is not turned on while I am downstairs with Sage and Gia is upstairs asleep.  You all heard the story of Sage tipping the dresser over, but you haven't heard what else she got into this past weekend.  On Sunday she tried to eat air freshener and Benadryl, why was my toddler in a situation where she could attempt to eat these things and me not know until after the fact?  The air freshener was in the top of her closet, so it must have fallen down to the bottom and she got it.  Luckily my child is very sensitive to taste and immediately...

I know you have heard it one million times, well, make this one million and one, Anchor Your Furniture!  If you haven't done it, then go do it now, like right now, stop reading, get up, and get it done, I will wait  ......................................................................................................................................... Ok, do we all have anchored furniture now?  Good!  Now to my post. We have all heard the horror stories, toddler climbs the dresser, dresser falls over and crushes toddler beneath it, parents are left grieving, exclaiming, "But the dresser was so heavy, I never thought she could knock it over, how did she knock it over?"  All the while they desperately wish they could go back in time and anchor that piece of furniture that they were certain was too big, too heavy, off limits, etc.  We sit here and think, "Oh, but my furniture REALLY is too big, my furniture REALLY is off limits, that can't happen to m...

Can I get sued for that?  Hmmm...not sure, but I guess I'll take a gamble.  Facebook was founded on a great premise, a way for people to meet, network, and keep in touch.  I resisted for a while, only caving in and joining Facebook after a lot of begging from friends and when I was about the have my first beautiful little girl and I knew I would have a lot (A LOT) of pictures and videos to share with friends and family.  Facebook was fun at first, I reconnected and caught up with several wonderful old friends and I was able to share pictures of my baby with everyone at once, no e-mails sending just three pictures at a time because the files were too big to send more.  I quickly became very much addicted to Facebook, visiting daily, if not multiple times a day.  Then, while pregnant with Gia, I was put on modified bedrest and became obsessed.  At this point I had moved 1200 miles away from my friends and family and I was stuck on the couch for most of m...

I think I have finally begun to admit that I am actually dealing with PPD, postpartum depression.  After having Sage, I had a lot of postpartum anxiety, but no real depression per say.  I remember one night Sage was screaming and screaming and screaming and all I wanted to do was shut her up, my anxiety was through the roof and I actually scared myself, in that moment I did not trust myself with my own baby, so I handed her over to Dex and he took her for a drive and I sat at home in the dark and cried my eyes out.  I shudder to think what may have happened if Dex had not been there at that moment, I was not of sound mind, but I was able to recognize it.  The next day I called my doctor and got put on a low dose of Zoloft and the difference was night and day, I started to feel like me again, and I was able to truly enjoy my precious baby girl. This time I knew what to expect postpartum and I started my Zoloft immediately.  Things were great, I was thoroughly e...

Working out everyday and only seeing the number on the scale go up...over it! Having hot flashes like a menopausal old lady...over it! Watching my baby scream and choke every time I try to nurse her...over it! Putting my toddler back in bed 10,000 times every night...over it! Listening to everyone's advice on how to raise my children...over it! Freaking about tornadoes every time a storm rolls through...over it! Watching my dog constantly gnaw at herself...over it! Living 1200 miles from my family...over it! The Midwest...SO OVER IT!

Before you read this please note that I am not judging the decisions of other parents, all children and all families are different, and we must make the best decisions that we can for our own families.  Nobody knows your child like you and nobody knows my child like me.  This is about me and my child and my personal experience and situation. I wish I could go back in time about a year and a half, right about the time that I decided cry it out was appropriate and ok for my family, right about the time that my daughter was left to scream in her crib to no avail, about the time I checked out under the veil of teaching her to self soothe.  At what point did I let those around me convince me to go against what my heart was telling me?  My baby that I had clung so close to, my baby that slept in my arms for three months straight, my baby that was nursed whenever she needed it, my baby that was never left with a babysitter, my baby, the love of my life was left in her cri...