You are not that important
and by you I mean me! I am always so worried about what other people think about me when I know the reality is they are not thinking about me at all, I am not that important! I am constantly worried that other people are judging my size, that other people are thinking that I'm fat. I hate going out in public to eat because I am certain that people are thinking, "That fat woman does not need to be eating!" Of course all people need to eat, but I feel like, unless I am eating a salad or maybe some grilled veggies, that everyone around me is watching me and judging me, but I'm really not that important and I'm sure the people around me are thinking about what bills they need to pay or what they are going to wear on their date or any number of things that have absolutely nothing to do with me! In fact, I'm pretty sure that if they are thinking something about me, then it is probably something along the lines of how freaking cute my kids are!
So, if strangers aren't judging me, then the people I know certainly must be, right? I just recently took a trip home to VA for a visit and I was so very nervous to go home because I was certain that everyone would just be astonished by my size and be able to think of nothing else when I saw them. I could see it, talking to my family and friends as "She is so fat, haha, she is so fat!" ran through their head over and over. So what's worse, thinking that the people who love me see nothing, but my size when they look at me or thinking they would get some kind of pleasure out of my pain? I realize that not only am I vain, but apparently I don't think too highly about my loved ones either if I actually believe all they care about is how fat I am. But that is what we do, right, project our own feelings of inadequacy onto others? Or is that just me? I cannot stand to look at myself these days, I cannot stand to get dressed, I cannot stand for anyone to see me, but I do realize that this is my train of thought, these are not the thoughts of others and I need to stop acting as if they are.
Once upon a time, not so long ago (haha, couldn't help myself), but seriously, I used to be anorexic. It astonishes me when people who know me in real life act shocked when I say that, in fact, it kind of makes me feel like a failure, like I wasn't a good enough anorexic. Yes I know how twisted that is, but that is how an anorexic thinks. Now here I am, almost 32, a mom of two and OBESE. It's so easy to look at me and say, "Haha, you definitely are not anorexic anymore!" What people don't realize about anorexia is that, even though people talk about "recovered anorexics", there really is no such thing, anorexia is not something you ever really recover from, but it is something you learn to live with and control, or so I thought. Then I realized the truth, I may not be super skinny anymore, I may not be starving myself on a regular basis anymore, but anorexia is still very much in control of my life.
I NEED to lose weight, this is not me exaggerating, my BMI is 31, I am clinically obese. I have 15 lbs of pregnancy weight that is lingering and I have 15 lbs lingering from the miscarriage I had before Gia, so I need to lose 30 lbs. I know how to lose weight, obviously, but everytime I start to lose the weight, I can hear the voice, "You are not losing weight fast enough, you are eating too many calories, you are so fat that you don't deserve to eat at all" and I get scared. Anorexia is not something you want to experience, it consumes and ruins your life, I lost years of my life on food diaries, hunger pangs, and binges. I lost years of my life consumed with food and the number on the scale. I cannot go there again, so instead I sit here obese and paralyzed trying to figure out how to lose weight without falling off the cliff, but getting more unsteady each day. I need to move forward, but I just cannot seem to stop looking over the edge, I am still under its control, I am a "recovered anorexic".
So, if strangers aren't judging me, then the people I know certainly must be, right? I just recently took a trip home to VA for a visit and I was so very nervous to go home because I was certain that everyone would just be astonished by my size and be able to think of nothing else when I saw them. I could see it, talking to my family and friends as "She is so fat, haha, she is so fat!" ran through their head over and over. So what's worse, thinking that the people who love me see nothing, but my size when they look at me or thinking they would get some kind of pleasure out of my pain? I realize that not only am I vain, but apparently I don't think too highly about my loved ones either if I actually believe all they care about is how fat I am. But that is what we do, right, project our own feelings of inadequacy onto others? Or is that just me? I cannot stand to look at myself these days, I cannot stand to get dressed, I cannot stand for anyone to see me, but I do realize that this is my train of thought, these are not the thoughts of others and I need to stop acting as if they are.
Once upon a time, not so long ago (haha, couldn't help myself), but seriously, I used to be anorexic. It astonishes me when people who know me in real life act shocked when I say that, in fact, it kind of makes me feel like a failure, like I wasn't a good enough anorexic. Yes I know how twisted that is, but that is how an anorexic thinks. Now here I am, almost 32, a mom of two and OBESE. It's so easy to look at me and say, "Haha, you definitely are not anorexic anymore!" What people don't realize about anorexia is that, even though people talk about "recovered anorexics", there really is no such thing, anorexia is not something you ever really recover from, but it is something you learn to live with and control, or so I thought. Then I realized the truth, I may not be super skinny anymore, I may not be starving myself on a regular basis anymore, but anorexia is still very much in control of my life.
I NEED to lose weight, this is not me exaggerating, my BMI is 31, I am clinically obese. I have 15 lbs of pregnancy weight that is lingering and I have 15 lbs lingering from the miscarriage I had before Gia, so I need to lose 30 lbs. I know how to lose weight, obviously, but everytime I start to lose the weight, I can hear the voice, "You are not losing weight fast enough, you are eating too many calories, you are so fat that you don't deserve to eat at all" and I get scared. Anorexia is not something you want to experience, it consumes and ruins your life, I lost years of my life on food diaries, hunger pangs, and binges. I lost years of my life consumed with food and the number on the scale. I cannot go there again, so instead I sit here obese and paralyzed trying to figure out how to lose weight without falling off the cliff, but getting more unsteady each day. I need to move forward, but I just cannot seem to stop looking over the edge, I am still under its control, I am a "recovered anorexic".
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